My birthday is next week. So I’ve been taking stock of my life—where I am, what I’ve done, and what goals I’d still like to achieve.
If you’re considering doing the same thing, I’d recommend against it. After my self-evaluation, I came to a disturbing conclusion. After all this time as an adult, I’m no closer to achieving the dream I had as a child – I’m not a character on a TV show.
I don’t mean that I wanted someone to make a TV show about my life. I wanted to BE a TV character.
I was never picky. I didn’t have to be the main character. Quirky sidekick friend would have been fine. So would precocious child added as ratings flag in later seasons, or mystical old person who still tells dirty jokes.
It didn’t have to be a sitcom. I’d have been perfectly content to be cop who doesn’t go by the book or underdog lawyer fighting for what’s right.
Things I’ve never done, because I’m not a character on a TV show
- Gone to a fashion show
- Had tickets to a fashion show, but ended up being IN the fashion show, because something happened to all the models and my friends and I happened to be the same size. As fashion models.
- Been to a masquerade party and had a hilarious mix up with someone wearing a mask similar to the one my date is wearing
- Presented at an elementary school career day and been immediately and repeatedly interrupted by insulting questions from the students, while the teacher stayed silent, apparently not aware that this was inappropriate behavior from the kids she’s responsible for teaching.
- Had someone tell me to “turn on the TV now” and turned it on, just as a news story was beginning that gave me information I needed.
- Had everyone in a movie theater turn and tell me “Shh!” when I said one thing, in a whisper.
- Run into a waiter and knock over the tray of food he’s carrying.
- Gone through a bathroom trash can for an innocent reason, found a positive pregnancy test, and assumed that it belonged to the wrong person.
- Argued with someone on a basketball court, blindly throw the ball as I’m walking away, and have it go into the basket.
- Made a mistake while doing laundry and had suds come pouring out of the machine and fill the room.
- Tried to take a picture with a camera, on a tripod, with a timer.
- Burned a Thanksgiving turkey so badly it turned completely black
- Touched one button and irretrievably deleted a computer file.
- Tried on a dozen outfits for an important event and modeled for a friend who gave me thumbs up or troubled head shakes.
- Picked a lock
- Get my place ransacked by people looking for something
- Ransacked someone’s place looking for something
- Said, “We can’t go to the police. We need to handle this ourselves.”
- Said, “Mark my words. I’ll destroy you.”
- Been slapped across the face by a random person in a restaurant after they misunderstood what I said.
- Had someone throw a drink in my face at a restaurant and storm out.
- Get tied to a chair but manage to untie the ropes, or cut them, without anyone noticing
- Said to a friend, “Let’s role play what you’re going to say. You be you, and I’ll be …”
- Played charades
- Watched someone leave their house and drive off and be completely invisible to them … because I’m in my car.
- Been invited to watch a married couple renew their vows
- Fell face first into a cake so my face was completely covered in icing
- Get into a paint fight while painting a room with all my friends
So that’s my list. I think it’s time to get to work on some of these items. After all, I plan to do a clips show for my birthday next year.